karatetentacles

I hate that the school doesn't give us planners until the 3rd day. I have lots of homework and lots of thing to worry about and no planner to tell me what to do. It's very distressing and stress-ful and just bad.

School, GIVE ME MY PLANNER NOW not at the end of tomorrow agh!!

School is exhausting. We've been having our 7 period days the past 2 days. They are so long and awful and I have so many books and papers and crap and I just want to curl up and bed and sleep. Which is what I did when I got home.

Homework load isn't too much yet. And it'll probably be really bad now, then eventually lighten up when it gets closer to graduation and the teachers realize that we don't care anymore. I barely care now. But I just gotta make it through the year and I'll be fine.

Now I get to worry about colleges and stuff yay!!! So I might go on some visits soon. Probably only a few -- KU and Grinnell and maybe Kenyon. No east coast or west coast schools for me! I might try University of Denver. And maybe, just maybe, I'll make a quest up to UNI to visit the school and MORGAN!! Morgan if you are reading this (probably not because you are busy with life) you should let me know when I should visit. I'll call you sometime ok ok.

Welp off to sleep. More fun awaits at school tomorrow~

Long day at school.

I'm sick of the feeling of my computer in my lap. I hate it. I don't like it at all. I hate getting too much sleep where I'm always tired and a little groggy and there's that gross taste in my mouth.

See it feels bad now but it's gonna get better see it feels bad now but it's gonna get better see it feels bad now but it's gonna get better someday.

Ok, Mr. Wakey!Wakey, I have made mistakes, I don't deny that. And yes, I want to stay in bed despite the light outside. Please stay right here, because I saved your life once, jerk.

Whatever. I have a headache and I'm upset at nothing and I'm just very dissatisfied with my life.

it's over it's over it's over.

QT drinks are full price and summer homework is due.

I have to wake up at 6.

I have to drive in the morning.

I have homework to do and responsibilities to take care of.

I have to see people I don't want to see necessarily. Not that I necessarily hate anyone or don't want to see anyone. But I don't get to choose the people I'm seeing in my classes. Oh well.

I made Mr. Royer a cheesecake. I missed him so much. I also missed Ms. Beachy. AND I MISS PULSINELLI SO MUCH. But I don't get to see him. *tear*

Shaved my legs in honor of the new school year. That's a thing right.

Soon I get to worry about college applications and teacher recommendations and deadlines and homework and due dates and money and shit.

But not right now. Right now, it's still summer. Technically.

The last few weeks of summer have kind of been the worst. I mean, nothing horrible has happened, but everyone's been so busy, so I've been stuck at home instead of ~goin out with my friends.~ I like staying up late on skype with people, but being IRL is different and I like it and stuff. Being on the computer all day every day is just exhausting and gives me headaches and stuff. I'm sick of being inside and just watching movies all day but it's too hot to go outside and I hate the outside but being inside makes me hate the inside and UGH I'M JUST SO BORED ALL THE TIME.

I'm so nervous about school and all the stress that will come with it. I prefer wanting to do things over having to do things. With FreeLancer the first year, I didn't HAVE to do anything. I chose to. And now I've made myself responsible and stuff. And I HAVE to volunteer for NHS. And I HAVE to do shittons of work for newspaper. Not to mention my countless classes that I have to do homework for.

I mean, I guess I don't HAVE to do homework. Only if I want to get good grades, which I don't HAVE to do. But I want to have the FreeLancer and I want to be in NHS and I want to be in Newspaper... and if I want all these things there are certain things I have to do. So I really shouldn't complain, because in the end, I'm still getting what I want.

I hate when people go all apeshit about grades. You know, it's your choice. You don't HAVE to go to college. Sure, your parents might pressure you, but it's your decision in the end. It's worthless to worry about grades. Who cares? It's a letter on a piece of paper. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't change you in any way. Who cares if you fail a test? It pisses me off.

IT
DOESN'T
MATTER.

Not a smidgen. It's the worst thing in the world to get worked up over. Honestly, if not getting straight A's is the worst thing that can happen to you, you live a pretty goddamn charmed life, so stop fucking complaining. I don't give a shit if you have a 5.0 GPA or a freaking 2.5. It doesn't matter. Tests and grades and all that crap, none of it matters. No one cares. And if 10 years from now you look back and your greatest high school memory is getting an A+ on a test, I pity you. Because it's not about the grades, it's about the experiences you have as you get older and as you start to see the world differently. It's not about the grades you get, but the things you learn inside and outside the classroom.

The only class I ever wanted to get an A in was English in 10th grade. Because that grade meant I was living up to P-Nelli's expectations, that I was accomplishing everything he thought we all should have been able to. I never got there, but I learned so much just trying. I threw myself into the assignments, because they weren't just busy-work like so many other classes. I tried, and I failed, but One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest became one of my favorite books. And I was proud of that B, because it really meant something, and I really tried.

This is getting really long and dumb so I'm done blogging now.

Days until school: 2 fml.

so sharks.

they are very misunderstood, except not any longer because of the beauty of shark week.

they have massive teeth that can cut easily and will kill you if you aren't careful!

this is a dumb blog. I start school on freaking TUESDAY. ugh. I'm already so stressed out about everything. This isn't cool.

Too stressed to blog. want to sleep. ok night

ok I started writing this thing it is not polished or done or anything but I don't want to blog really so you get this ok you're welcome!

-----

Strange how butterflies once so familiar looked so foreign.

Were they out of place, or was she?

So hastily stuck on once-bare walls, as a 14-year-old girl giddily peeled off stickers and haphazardly aligned them. She had intentionally varied the sizes and colors of the butterfly stickers, as to look more organic. Because nothing said "natural" like synthetic stickers on a white wall.

But the color wasn't white – it was "ivory." Or "eggshell." Or something else precise and specific and detailed. But to her, the walls were white. White, with the top adorned with multicolored butterfly stickers. At one point, a bed sat directly below the stickers. It was how the girl had gotten them that high to begin with. There were about 15 stickers, decently sized (approximately the same size as a baseball, though they varied), situated near where the white wall met the white popcorn ceiling. They looked so awkward, in such an unremarkable part of the room. The bed was now against the opposite wall, a desk too far to the left. What belonged below the butterflies?

A woman was staring at the butterflies. Or, more accurately, the spot underneath them.

I came across a bank deposit slip from about a year ago. Hard to believe my bank account once contained over $1000. Where the hell did all that money go?!

I'm jobless, and broke, and literally paying for things in dimes. I can't ask my parents for money because they are also short on cash. Stupid economy. Give my dad his nice paying job back.

I dunno. My lack of money is just making itself abundantly known. I need to work. I need. I NEED.

I am too tired to make this any good at all. OH WELL.

5 days of summer. 99 days until Deathly Hallows/My Birthday. 335 days until LeakyCon.

I feel sort of bad about not caring about blogging, because I want to care and I want to make decent, interesting, someone fun-to-read posts, but all I do is post crap that I randomly write in the blogging compose thing and post it off for the internet to ignore.

But I'm tired, and want to do this whole BEDA thing, and I started posting something heartfelt and honest and thoughtful -- but I got too tired halfway through and I'm not in the mood to finish it and it's 3AM and I'm awake.

So I think I'm gonna sneak away and go to sleep, not watch the Pretty Little Liars finale tomorrow morning, and try and figure out how to pack a full 2 months of summer into the next 6 days before school starts.

Yesterday's angry blog post that no one read because it was stupid got me thinking about something.

What's the difference between "people" and "characters?"

I have a few musings on this difference.

I am a person. I have strengths and weaknesses and likes and dislikes and imperfections and bad days and complex feelings and complex emotions. I am full of organs and only I know that my thumbs crack weirdly and that at this exact moment one of the stitches in the bottom right corner of my mouth hurts. Only I know exactly how that feels.

The reason stereotypes exist is because it's easier to empathize with something that isn't real or true. Something that's basic and that you don't have to think about. Something that is so void of anything "actual" that it becomes relatable to you. So we have all these ideas of stereotypes and of "normal, typical, everyday people" in our brain and we just mix those ideas with our own experiences and thoughts and emotions, and then we can project those stereotypes onto real, actual people. Then those real, actual people stop being actual people in our brains, and they become the people that we see and the people that we can understand and empathize with.

Everything in the world that we see, we see with our own experiences and actions and feelings and thoughts projecting themselves onto the item in question. We use our own observations where we don't so much see the item, but we see what the item represents. When you see a pencil, what you see literally is a piece of wood with lead inside with a rubber thing on the end, but what you "see" is a way to communicate and you see your memories of holding your first #2 Ticonderoga pencil in Kindergarten while someone is trying to explain to you what those weird scribbly things next to the picture of Spot the Dog mean.

Everything is a symbol and a metaphor and means something and has value.

So when you see another human being -- someone who is also taking in everything and projecting themselves onto everything -- and you project that bit of yourself onto that person, they stop being a person. They become a character. A character in your life, and you see them how you want to see them and make judgments based on your own past. So you use all those stereotypes and fictional people and your own knowledge to create a character on top of a person.

There is value in "imagining people complexly," but you can't empathize with a person. You have to put yourself onto them, see that bit of yourself in another person, before you can empathize. And then you're empathizing with a character.

None of this really makes sense my brain is stupid and bad at communicating its ideas. So this is my blog hope you like it I'm gonna go try to write a book but will probably end up re-reading Catcher in the Rye.

Whatever this blog post doesn't even matter.

Alright, I'm gonna go off on a little rant here about how people have stupid opinions.

I was minding my own business, perusing the tumblr "nickelodeonkids" because they post some pretty cute pics of the iCarly gang and I love iCarly, and I came across something... weird. The gal who runs the tumblr was asked who she "shipped" on the various Nickelodeon shows, and this was her response:

"iCarly: SPAM, Spencer & Sam. CREDDIE, Carly & Freddie. I use to really like Sam & Freddie together.
Big Time Rush: LOMILLE, Logan & Camille.
Zoey 101: QUOGAN, Quin & Logan. LICHAEL, Lola & Michael
Victorious: TANDRE, Tori & Andre. JECK, Jade & Beck.
The Troop: JAYLEY, Jake & Hayley

In Real Life,
I don’t know why, but I think Jennette McCurdy & Avan Jogia are dating so, Javan & James Maslow + Miranda Cosgrove, I don’t know why either.

That was a longish post."

I have a few bones to pick with this.

1) SPAM. Ok. WHAT. EWW! WHAT EVEN IS THIS! That is so gross! Spencer is OLD! Like, what even! I don't... why do people think like this! "Oh, look, two costars on a tv show. They would be a good couple." NO THEY WOULDN'T! That doesn't even make sense! It is for this reason I hate so many Harry Potter shippers. Ugh. Like everyone who ships Neville/Luna... where is the back-up for that! Where does that even make sense! Just because they are a BOY and a GIRL who are FRIENDS does NOT MEAN they have to GET TOGETHER that is the most obnoxious freaking thing in the entire world!!!! It's like, I can't even have a guy who is a friend without everyone being all "omg are u guyz like dating~~"
FUCK YOU NO WE'RE NOT DATING and it's really awkward to be all "Ohhhh we're just friendsssss" and it's like people make assumptions and shit and it's really freaking annoying ok?!

And really, Sam and Spencer OH GOD it's just gross!!!! That's even grosser than Spencer and Freddie's MOM and that made me SCREAM!

2) Why does this person think it is cute to make the couple names for all of those people. They aren't even good couple names. Some of the best fictional couples in the world don't have good names... aka Ron and Hermione. Harry Potter again ok I can't get rid of my fanfiction roots. Once I read a Ginny/Dumbledore fanfiction. Dark times. Ugh that's also an annoyance of mine.

3) No, it's not ok to ship real-life romances. It's shit like that that explains why the Disney Channel is pretty much forcing Zac Efron to date Vanessa Hudgens. They definitely aren't ACTUALLY dating, or wouldn't, or whatever, I don't even care, I just want to marry Zac Efron, ok?

This is a really stupid blog post. I'm gonna shut up and watch some jpmetz videos ok.

my internet has been really annoying lately and I don't do well with that so I'm just really annoyed with the internet right now. and I don't want to be online all the time but I am now because it's hot outside so I can't go be weird with my friends at a park as usual and also I'm broke so I can't do anything really not even put gas in my car.

I'm flat broke. running-out-of-quarters broke. it's very annoying. I need a well-paying, steady job, but I can't work because school is starting and I cannot work doing the school year. but I might have to since I absolutely HAVE to go to LeakyCon. at this point it's not really a discussion. I'm going. that's all there is to it. I am getting on a plane on or before July 13 to go to Orlando, Florida. I don't care if I have to stowaway or rob a bank or what, I just know I'm going to be there.

Huh. You know what I realized? Today is 8/8/10. Two years after 8/8/08. That was the first huge youtube gathering thing that I ever heard of. Aww.

umm I was about to go off on another tangent but I forgot it. so I'm gonna make a list.

things I want to do:
watch hey arnold
read my book
read winnie the pooh
have a boyfriend

things I am about to do:
read my book ;)

I need a new notebook/journal/observation diary thing. I lost mine a while ago and that makes me sad because it was so pretty and had really important things written in it.

Thinking about that makes me think about writer's workshop which makes me think of a stupid boy I had a stupid crush on in that not stupid class. boys are stupid and dumb and I don't like them.

anyway. I'm tired. and have to be up semi-early tomorrow. so I'm going to go read and stuff ok bye

i'm tired.

you know what I like? driving. it's a good thing.

I also like talking to people that I like.

blogging is ok.

I don't like school and I don't like being awake when I'm tired but sometimes I'll be talking to people that I like while being awake while I'm tired (weird, that's happening right now) while also blogging.

school starts soon. not too excited. not too excited at all........

this is a bad blog and i am very sorry but only kind of sorry. i'm going to sleep because that's all i do anymore.

booooooooooooklist
1. Huck Finn -- Mark Twain
2. A Farewell To Arms -- Ernest Hemmingway
3. The Great Gatsby -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
4. Scarlet Fever -- Maureen Johnson
5. The Raw Shark Texts -- Steven Hall
6. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao -- Junot Díaz
7. Paper Towns -- John Green
8. High Fidelity -- Nick Hornby
9. The Time Traveler's Wife -- Audrey Niffeneger
10. About a Boy -- Nick Hornby
11. Cold Mountain -- Charles Frazier
12. Rejoice -- McSweeney's
13. Best New American Voices 2009 -- edited by Mary Gatskill
14. Will Grayson, Will Grayson -- John Green
15. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone -- JK Rowling
16. God Says No -- James Hannaham
17. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows -- JK Rowling
18. How to Read Literature Like a Professor -- Thomas Foster
19. Matilda -- Roald Dahl
20. Lord of the Flies -- William Golding
21. Eats, Shoots And Leaves -- Lynne Truss

currently reading:
bowl of cherries (though I left it at a friend's house)
confessions of a tax collector (which I'm not really devoted to just yet)

want to read:
harry potter and the order of the phoenix
I'm due for a catcher re-read
any suggestions? I'd love to hear them. COMMENTS.

so last night for some reason I couldn't get to sleep and I'm not sure why. at first I was freaking out about my schedule and everything because they put me in spanish 1 instead of spanish 3 and I'm worried that by moving into spanish 3 they'll have to move all my other classes around which will be very annoying and sort of hard to do.

schedule:
hr 1. sociology (w/ yoda, only offered first and second hour (second hour with franklin))
hr 2. physics h (which can probably change)
hr 3. spanish 1 (which needs to change but I don't think there's a spanish 3 third hour)
hr 4. newspaper (which can only be 4th hour or 5th hour)
hr 5. calc 3/differential equations (which can only be 4th hour or 5th hour)
hr 6. ap us government (which can probably change)
hr 7. english 12 ap (which can probably change)

I forsee them moving my english to first hour, sociology to 2nd, physics to 3rd, and then a 2nd hour spanish 3. if such a thing exists.

no one really cares about this but I need to type it all out.

and then I stopped worrying about all that and tried to fall asleep but then called my friend jules instead because i love him and i knew he'd be awake and we talked for a while and then i went to sleep at like 3:30 and now it's 9:30 and i am tired but can't go to sleep.

I'll just read I guess.

teeth are the worst.
my mouth tastes like blood and i'm not allowed to rinse it out for 12 hours.
i'm spitting into a blood bucket.
my mouth doesn't hurt too bad though so that's good.
i just can't smile.
which is ok because i hate everything.
jk you guys should know that i smile at everything and make jokes and laugh a lot even at inappropriate times. it's just a thing that i do.

------------

a few hours later, things are still fine. ate some food. I have some really awesome friends. emily and megan came over and just laid in bed with me and brought me quik trip and it was so nice of them. they would have brought me peachwave but I'm not allowed to have dairy yet.

my brother is also nice sometimes. apparently he drove around all day doing stuff pretty much for me. my mom asked him too, sure, and he just got his license (so did I don't judge) so he's probably excited to drive, but he filled my pain medication prescription and got my parking pass for school and went to the store and got stuff to make soup that we are only having because of my mouth.

I'm very tired. the anesthetics haven't entirely worn off, and plus the pain meds have a side effect of drowsiness. I'll probably read a book and fall asleep or something.

I filmed a 7ab video today but it won't upload and I don't want to deal with it right now. sooo. I'm sending it to eevee. she doesn't know I'm blogging about her. haahaha.

I like this whole driving thing. it's really nice.

ok so I sort of want to talk about boggarts since that's what my friend katie did. my biggest fear is regret, actually. I fear that I won't experience everything and not do something and that I'll regret not doing this and that. you only get one chance at high school and one chance at life, and it's so important to just do everything you can. I'm not afraid I'll regret DOING something, but that I'll regret NOT doing something. I want to go to every dance and every event and do as much as I can with as much intensity and truth and passion as I can.

so that's what I'm going to do after college, or maybe even before college. I'm going to get out there and go everywhere and see everything and regret nothing. I'm going to push buttons and push limits and get in trouble and get out of trouble. because I'm so scared I'll et stuck, or that the thing that would truly make me happy, I won't find because I won't be adventurous enough to go do it.

and I can't fear pain (of the physical kind) or homesickness or any of that. I don't wanna be a tree with deep roots that go way down into where I am. I wanna be... a shark, always parading the waters, always looking for my "meal" (of fun!) and stuff. so my patronus is a shark fun how I did that hey what's up paul.

ok this is a really long blog if you read this far please comment just saying you read it ok? ok. <3

countdowns:
12 days before school
106 days before DH part 1
342 days before LeakyCon 2011

listening to: your love is my drug -- ke$ha don't judge me

today I saw Charlie St. Cloud. it was not a good movie, but it wasn't bad, so I was happy watching it -- especially since there was Zefron.

maybe I have an unhealthy obsession with Zefron, but you can't tell me what to do or who to love! AND I LOVE ZEFRON. he is so nice looking. and it was great to see him in a movie where he wasn't playing a teenager. I mean I guess at the beginning he was supposed to be graduating high school, but most of the movie took place "five years later" so he was 23 I guess. which is his actual age! weird. yes I just looked that up. wikipedia. sup.



his hair is so much nicer in Charlie St. Cloud. it is beautiful. I like him a lot ok. and fabulous boy hair is hard to find. most boys have horrible hair. I like a man with nice hair.

Yes, I am projecting all my feelings onto someone "unattainable" because I am a little bit afraid of my own feelings yes. it's a thing I do every so often when I want a boyfriend but do not actually want feelings involved because feelings are yucky and gross and people just get hurt not me but the other person. I don't wanna talk about it.

listening to: party in the... I mean... a really cool song
off to: cinzetti's for a stuco reunion it'll be a good time.

It's really hot in my room.

I miss all the bookworms but I'm talking to them so that is nice. Except I'm talking to myself. But I hate Eevee so she can suck it.

[08/03/10] Jefferson.: <333333333333333
[08/03/10] eevee: bitch

I have 180 ways to bang your mom
oh that's not nice

really cool things:
1. katy
2. boobs
3. katy's boobs

jk I hate all the bookworms and I hope they die in a fiery pit of doom and despair where they belong. I hate when they elongate their livesssssssssssssssssssss.

Paul is the worst

[08/03/10] Paul(SaysThings): i'm being serious here
[08/03/10] Paul(SaysThings): and no one else is and its not working
[08/03/10] Rachel: (punch) [08/03/10] ~ktentacles~: when have we ever been serious
[08/03/10] ~ktentacles~: rachel: "welcome to the channel paul"
-- silence --
rachel: i think the punch to paul's face might have been a little much

I only have six minutes to finish this. clearly this is all I'm gonna get because I love my bookworms so much

2 comments

My name is Katy Westhoff, and I am a teenage girl.

I just watched the Hannah Montana movie and I'm listening to Taylor Swift and I can't wait for the new episode of Pretty Little Liars. I like cute boys and think beer is gross and I wear make-up to hide my pimples.

Whatever. I'm a senior in high school. Just another year, then it's on to bigger and better things. I'm not sure what the plan is -- I might take a gap year before college, I might just go to community college for the first year or two, I might go off to Grinnell; who knows. Whatever I do, it'll be different than the last 17 years of my life.

I'm actually pretty excited for school to start, to be honest. It should be a stress-filled, drama-filled, party-filled, and KICK ASS year, and I am pumped.

I miss you a lot, bookworms and catitude and random people I know, but I'm sort of doing a different thing now. I'm just consistently inconsistent. :) I'm glad BEDA has opened up another window through which to connect and talk and be friends. I'm trying my best to comment and read as many beda blogs as possible. If you are reading this, post your link in the comments of this so I can read yours, too! If you are reading this I'm sure you are a lovely person.

countdowns:
14 days until school starts
109 days until harry potter and the deathly hallows part 1 SLASH my birthday
344 days until Leaky Con 2011

Someone remind me to write/mail out a letter to Sierra thanks

hello it's august and BEDA and apparently I'm going to start august 2nd that's ok right.

weird, last BEDA I was a sophomore in high school and now I'm going to be a senior. weird weird weird! a few months can make a huge difference, huh? BEDA completely skipped over the entirety of my junior year. that's ok, though. not a big year. most of the good stuff didn't start happening until april/may.

so.

right now I'm rockin' some silly bandz. a crown, a bunny, a popsicle, "TTYL," and "LOL." also, a really lame/awesome "friendship bracelet" with a bunch of random beads on it that I just find hilarious and ironic.

last night I went to my second drinking party. I did not drink because there was only beer which is quite disgusting and I had to watch out for my pal. there were very attractive males there. I was very pleased with their attractiveness. graduated Rockhurst boys. mmmmm. it was not a very big party, but there was beer pong on an awkward table, and I watched the pretty boys play. I only knew my pal there, but I made some friends. we played zoomy zoomy, a super fun drinking game. then the dad came home and it was hilarious and awkward and we got the fuck out of there. whoo!

I'm hungry.

is it weird if I sort of miss summer gym? for three weeks I saw the same group of people every day, and now I'll probably never see them again. I mean, a few of them go to my school so I'll see them sometimes, but not too frequently... it's sad.

I'm gonna go eat now though. and maybe take a nap. and maybe blog a second time later to catch up for beda. ok!

listening to: middle of nowhere // hot hot heat