karatetentacles

i hate blogging while i'm doing it, but i actually really like going back and reading my old blogs. i don't know why. so i think i'm going to blog again.

things:

-- went to the hallows and horcruxes ball 4 last night. alex carpenter told me that "it was nice to see" me and that he was impressed that i stayed up by the front the entire time. i almost fainted. got a hug from jarrod. hugged matt and lauren for all of catitude. (: lost my voice pretty bad. talked to megan about boys and life. i love megan pavlu a lot.

-- i've had a job for six months. i know it's been six months because i started working around the same time that esther passed, and that she passed six months ago. sort of sad, but just a thing my mind does.

-- 73 days of high school left. 128 days until leakycon.

-- have to do my notes journal for hamlet/r and g are dead. i love rozencrantz and guildenstern. they rock. this notes journal thing? rocks a little less.

-- listening to one of the three cd's i made for the manhattan roadtrip for the h&h ball. hahaha. i called them "the wand," "the stone," and "the cloak." because i am the coolest person. currently listening to the stone.

-- so much converse at wizard rock concerts omg.

-- i'm really excited for college. for living in a dorm and going to class and meeting new people. it's kind of scary, but mostly exciting.

alright the end.

beda? what's that.

shit's hit the fan and I'm just spinning round with it.

I dunno. I just feel all over the place. Everything is moving too fast. I can't even get caught up in the "oh that was my last Lancer Day!!" because I'm too busy worrying about reading Jane Eyre and making sure the FreeLancer will exist and working on my newspaper shit and guh. And then there's the things that are sad in my life like Esther and my alcoholic parents and my alcoholic student body.

OH ALSO I have a job. this is a good and a bad thing.

GOOD: I don't have to stress out about money anymore! It fills up time that I'd spend playing bloons anyway!
BAD: I wish I could spend that bloons-time doing homework or something...

Something cool: I was voted NHS president, which is nice. I was sort of sick of losing elections.

There are these people I want to be friends with and do things with but I don't want to come on too strong or be weird or anything. So I try and wait for invitations and try really hard not to invite myself to things and all that. But I dunno. I can't get a feel if it's a pity-invite or a hey-we-like-you-just-thought-in-the-past-you-wouldn't-be-interested-invite or anything. But I try not to overthink it and just go with it which is what everyone should do all the time.

Ugh sometimes I just make really good mix CDs that just are perfect for occasions.

I decided that instead of NaNoWriMo I'm going to create/do FOCAM: Fill Out College Applications Month. Fuck. FUCK! Erase college from my mind too much TOO MUCH. Welp added bonus of NHS president I'm pretty much a shoo-in for any college of my choosing. Just gotta pay for it ERASE ERASE ERASE TOO MUCH

I think I'm just gonna curl up and read Jane Eyre and sleep for a looooong time.

I hate that the school doesn't give us planners until the 3rd day. I have lots of homework and lots of thing to worry about and no planner to tell me what to do. It's very distressing and stress-ful and just bad.

School, GIVE ME MY PLANNER NOW not at the end of tomorrow agh!!

School is exhausting. We've been having our 7 period days the past 2 days. They are so long and awful and I have so many books and papers and crap and I just want to curl up and bed and sleep. Which is what I did when I got home.

Homework load isn't too much yet. And it'll probably be really bad now, then eventually lighten up when it gets closer to graduation and the teachers realize that we don't care anymore. I barely care now. But I just gotta make it through the year and I'll be fine.

Now I get to worry about colleges and stuff yay!!! So I might go on some visits soon. Probably only a few -- KU and Grinnell and maybe Kenyon. No east coast or west coast schools for me! I might try University of Denver. And maybe, just maybe, I'll make a quest up to UNI to visit the school and MORGAN!! Morgan if you are reading this (probably not because you are busy with life) you should let me know when I should visit. I'll call you sometime ok ok.

Welp off to sleep. More fun awaits at school tomorrow~

Long day at school.

I'm sick of the feeling of my computer in my lap. I hate it. I don't like it at all. I hate getting too much sleep where I'm always tired and a little groggy and there's that gross taste in my mouth.

See it feels bad now but it's gonna get better see it feels bad now but it's gonna get better see it feels bad now but it's gonna get better someday.

Ok, Mr. Wakey!Wakey, I have made mistakes, I don't deny that. And yes, I want to stay in bed despite the light outside. Please stay right here, because I saved your life once, jerk.

Whatever. I have a headache and I'm upset at nothing and I'm just very dissatisfied with my life.

it's over it's over it's over.

QT drinks are full price and summer homework is due.

I have to wake up at 6.

I have to drive in the morning.

I have homework to do and responsibilities to take care of.

I have to see people I don't want to see necessarily. Not that I necessarily hate anyone or don't want to see anyone. But I don't get to choose the people I'm seeing in my classes. Oh well.

I made Mr. Royer a cheesecake. I missed him so much. I also missed Ms. Beachy. AND I MISS PULSINELLI SO MUCH. But I don't get to see him. *tear*

Shaved my legs in honor of the new school year. That's a thing right.

Soon I get to worry about college applications and teacher recommendations and deadlines and homework and due dates and money and shit.

But not right now. Right now, it's still summer. Technically.

The last few weeks of summer have kind of been the worst. I mean, nothing horrible has happened, but everyone's been so busy, so I've been stuck at home instead of ~goin out with my friends.~ I like staying up late on skype with people, but being IRL is different and I like it and stuff. Being on the computer all day every day is just exhausting and gives me headaches and stuff. I'm sick of being inside and just watching movies all day but it's too hot to go outside and I hate the outside but being inside makes me hate the inside and UGH I'M JUST SO BORED ALL THE TIME.

I'm so nervous about school and all the stress that will come with it. I prefer wanting to do things over having to do things. With FreeLancer the first year, I didn't HAVE to do anything. I chose to. And now I've made myself responsible and stuff. And I HAVE to volunteer for NHS. And I HAVE to do shittons of work for newspaper. Not to mention my countless classes that I have to do homework for.

I mean, I guess I don't HAVE to do homework. Only if I want to get good grades, which I don't HAVE to do. But I want to have the FreeLancer and I want to be in NHS and I want to be in Newspaper... and if I want all these things there are certain things I have to do. So I really shouldn't complain, because in the end, I'm still getting what I want.

I hate when people go all apeshit about grades. You know, it's your choice. You don't HAVE to go to college. Sure, your parents might pressure you, but it's your decision in the end. It's worthless to worry about grades. Who cares? It's a letter on a piece of paper. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't change you in any way. Who cares if you fail a test? It pisses me off.

IT
DOESN'T
MATTER.

Not a smidgen. It's the worst thing in the world to get worked up over. Honestly, if not getting straight A's is the worst thing that can happen to you, you live a pretty goddamn charmed life, so stop fucking complaining. I don't give a shit if you have a 5.0 GPA or a freaking 2.5. It doesn't matter. Tests and grades and all that crap, none of it matters. No one cares. And if 10 years from now you look back and your greatest high school memory is getting an A+ on a test, I pity you. Because it's not about the grades, it's about the experiences you have as you get older and as you start to see the world differently. It's not about the grades you get, but the things you learn inside and outside the classroom.

The only class I ever wanted to get an A in was English in 10th grade. Because that grade meant I was living up to P-Nelli's expectations, that I was accomplishing everything he thought we all should have been able to. I never got there, but I learned so much just trying. I threw myself into the assignments, because they weren't just busy-work like so many other classes. I tried, and I failed, but One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest became one of my favorite books. And I was proud of that B, because it really meant something, and I really tried.

This is getting really long and dumb so I'm done blogging now.

Days until school: 2 fml.

so sharks.

they are very misunderstood, except not any longer because of the beauty of shark week.

they have massive teeth that can cut easily and will kill you if you aren't careful!

this is a dumb blog. I start school on freaking TUESDAY. ugh. I'm already so stressed out about everything. This isn't cool.

Too stressed to blog. want to sleep. ok night